Happy Birthday, Sally Maus!
Dear Sally,
Your first birthday was on February 11th, 2019. We had been together for almost a full year!!! Can you believe it? All the adventures we had already and so many more to come. I remember that we celebrated with Georgie a few weeks later because his birthday was around that time as well.
What a dreamy shot of the two of you!!
I am doing better, giving in to the pain more often instead of shutting it down. It sucks, I am telling you, but I feel you again, and that is worth it. I went on a nice walk the other night. Did one of our regular laps. I met a gorgeous butterfly. He was landing right in front of me, showing off his spectacular patterns. Noah and I often watch the butterflies in the backyard, landing on the shrubs. I ask him, "What noise do they make?" and then I go, "flatter, flatter, flatter," which means "flap, flap, flap," because they flap their wings a lot per second.
I feel you all around me right now, putting your nose on the armrest of my chair, asking for some cuddles. I am cuddling you in my heart. I remembered many moments with you over the last few days. The one with Cynthia and the walks, only one week after Noah was born. Hang on a second; he just woke up from his nap. That means I have to get back to this blog later. Why don't you come with me? He is super cute when he wakes up. Let's go, my love.
Could you be any cuter?
I really did not want to let you go. I see that now in hindsight. It is not that I wasn't aware of your declining health. It was more that I took your good mood as a sign that everything was fine. That we would get another year. That you can beat the tumor again. But you couldn't, and I was not prepared for that. One life was coming into our home, and one life was nearing its end. How does one navigate that? I don't think I did a very good job, but I do know you were on my mind all the time.
I read a text today that I sent one week after giving birth, and that means we had only been home for 4 days. I asked our neighbor if she could take you for a walk because everything is good, given the circumstances, but it feels like you got the short straw. I couldn't walk with you, and Ryan had his hands full. Thank God, they came and took care of you. I hadn't even recovered from the surgery yet. I completely forgot that I texted her right away.
Grieving is hard when your memory is blurry, and your mind might tell you a different story. A story guilt has put there, and I cannot prove it wrong because, honestly, I don't remember. I really don't, and maybe that is what makes it so sad.
That there is such a huge gap in my memory during our last five months together. I need to trust my heart here, not my brain. You were always on my mind - always. Thank you for going on a walk with me again today. Visit me in my dreams tonight.
XOXO,
Carolin
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