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Inner Dialog - The Judge, The Healer, and I

Me: I am struggling. I feel hurt. But my wound seems not big enough. It is not painful enough. I cannot describe it or touch it. I guess I have not suffered enough. I have not suffered at all if I compare my trauma to someone who has suffered real trauma. Nothing terrible has happened to me.

The Judge: Correct. Nothing terrible has happened to you. You only deserve healing if you have suffered real trauma. Your reasons for being unhappy and unfulfilled are not good enough. They are not valid. You should be happy. There is no reason for you to be struggling right now.

Me: But what about my sadness? What about my loneliness? What about everything I have been through? All of it felt very traumatizing.

The Judge: Sure. But you have long processed that trauma. You have healed and released it. I do not understand why you still feel sad about it. You know it is not what causes you to struggle right now. Your reasons for being unhappy and unfulfilled are not good enough. You should feel blessed.


Me: But I do feel blessed, or do I not? I am confused. How should I be feeling? It is tearing me apart. I want too much. I should just be happy. My wound – it is not big enough to be unhappy.

The Judge: Correct. You are ungrateful. You should be grateful for what you have. You want too much. All you are suffering from is self-pity. That is not trauma. That is nothing.

The Healer: Listen, if she is struggling, that is okay. If she is sad and wants more happiness in her life, then that is okay. There is nothing wrong with her feelings, and she is grateful.


Me: I think that is true. It feels true. I am grateful despite my struggles.

The Healer: She is happy, too. Judge - you have nothing to worry about. Who says she does not deserve more happiness in her life? Who says she does not deserve to fulfill all her dreams?


Me: Right. Now that you mention it, who did tell me that? It seems like such a long time ago. And it still echoes: Do not complain. Be happy with what you have. We cannot have everything. It is silly to have dreams. Life is not about fulfillment. Passions are for dreamers. I’m sure someone mentioned it back then when I was free to dream. But do I still believe it right now? I don’t think so. It does not feel authentic to me. It does not resonate with me anymore.


The Judge: That is a surprise. Are you sure? So I have nothing to judge you for?

Me: Yes, I am sure. Let’s not compare wounds. Let’s not judge my needs or feelings. It is okay for me to want more happiness, more joy – a passion to live for, a purpose to fulfill. Let me release that old guilt. *Shifts her attention to the guilty feeling. She tries to sense the energy behind the guilt. She is making it tangible at this very moment. Takes a deep breath in and releases the energy behind that guilty feeling. After a moment of pause, she repeats the process. *

The Healer: Do you notice a difference?

Me: Yes, believe it or not, but part of my struggles just disappeared.

The Healer: I love you.


Me: Me, too.


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